I grew up believing I was the victim in every challenge or defeat I faced. I could never figure out why I routinely created the same self-sabotaging patterns. As if the adoption wasn’t difficult enough, my parents divorced when I was five and then at seven I was hit by a car. Getting bullied at school was part of the daily routine. By the time I reached early adolescence, I didn’t feel I could ever get close to anyone ever again. I was too fearful they would hurt me or leave me so I kept a safe distance from everyone. This is the survival dance called “not too close not too far away” and I knew it all too well. It keeps you isolated and alone and stuck in mediocrity. No one could hurt me if I stayed alone or didn’t fully show up and commit.

During high school I decided to take a risk once again and get into a new relationship. I thought I’d discovered the love of my life. She was my high school sweetheart and I was smitten. Throughout the years we dated I continued the pattern of the “not to close not to far away dance” and I found myself once again with the same outcome. 

As we were both preparing for college I suddenly lost touch with my girlfriend and I frantically tried to reach her to no avail only to discover she had moved on to another relationship. I became hopeless and began abusing substances. I continuously beat myself up contemplating suicide and became reckless and full of despair. It was at this point that my parents put me into therapy and it wasn’t long before that therapist dropped me from their practice and sent me to another therapist. I felt abandoned all over again. I grew tired of watching this play out in my own life and I was determined to figure out how to heal from the adoption trauma that seemingly followed me everywhere I went. I was convinced that everytime something good happened in my life, something bad would always follow suit. My victimhood became a self-fulfilling prophecy.